Self-Control/Emotional Intelligence/Bullies


What does self-control, Emotional Intelligence and Bullies have in common. Emotional self-control(one of the seven attributes of EI) is a very interesting necessity in being successful in school/business/relationships. When we are out of control, it doesn’t always mean that we are angry or raging. It means that we are making choices that do not serve our well being that create inner/outer chaos. It can be yelling at traffic, excess of anything, addictive behaviors, over extension of activities, etc.

But lack of self-control begins in childhood. How we learn to self-soothe and calm ourselves down when we are confronted with negative situations as children extends into adulthood only the issues are more extensive and have rippling effects.

Bullies learn about lack of self-control at home and from their peers. They model what they see and experience. They then go out and do the same to others to make them feel better. Yes, this is how bullies self-soothe and displace their own feelings of inadequacy. We can learn to self-soothe so easily. Positive self-talk and affirmation will calm angry, achy feelings in moments! Give it a try! Then teach it!

Anniversary of Columbine/15 Years

Hello CJs
Where were you were when Columbine happened? I was working in a local high school. There were students who did not respond with the emotional maturity of teenagers raised with compassion/empathy. We had bomb threats/gun threats/teacher threats.
Dateline, this past Sunday, aired the story of a student who survived the violence perpetrated upon Columbine. He is still suffering emotional ramifications. He decided to visit other high schools having experienced this violence hoping for healing and support.

This violence is still occurring 15 years later. Bullied children are still turning to violence to express their hurt and vengeance. Gun control? Is it enough? Or is there more we have to do?

Is School Change A Good Idea for the Victim of Bullying

A few years back I was exercising and one of the woman exercising with me had a daughter that was being Bullied who also came to exercise. She was attending a local high school and several girls made her life miserable. Her daughter went into counseling but her anxiety kept mounting and she was suffering now from physical issues. Mom and I talked often and I so much liked her daughter who came sometimes with mom and sometimes at other times.

Mom knew that I worked with different schools. We weighed all the pros and cons and finally I suggested that she visit that other school in the township(they had two high schools), talk with a guidance counselor and have her daughter do the same.

After much debate over the summer months, she and mom(yes, it was a decision made together) decided she would change schools. It was a good decision. Her life turned around, she made new friends, and her physical issues were resolved. Just for the record, I felt that she would be better off changing schools.

There are many issues to consider. But the most important one of all is your child’s emotional well being. Every child deserves to be in an emotionally safe environment. This problem can be resolved at the school but it would take too long and at the cost of the victim’s emotional well being. This problem is insidious and it needs the support of parents and school administrators alike to find not only the band-aid solution but the one that transforms a community.

Even though the victims change schools, they are left with deep wounds that affect them for a long time. The solution allows the victim to not be re-wounded each and every day and healing can begin. They need counseling and lots of support from home. Becoming Emotionally Intelligent was my ultimate healing, the one we all can benefit from for it is also the healing of the areas of the brain that respond to positive input and restoration.

Percentage of Absences in Schools From Bullying is Surprising

Generational Passing On

Are children claiming to be sick because they can’t face another day of being bullied at school? All those headaches, stomach aches and aches and pains are they real or symptomatic of anxiety and stress from facing another day of dealing with a bully or plural that.

Are you as parents asking questions about the symptoms or are you taking them at face value? I know that I was never asked but that was a long time ago. It is important that parents ask these questions and delve into the possibility of your child being a victim of bullying.

Set up the scenario that your child will not be punished for faking illness if they speak the truth and share with you what is happening at school. Also, please don’t go off running to school without a plan and something your child will see as reasonable and will not cause embarrassment. For this is another fear that children have.

How do we help children self-soothe and calm those nerves. This is one of the Emotional Intelligence skills. It has an easy solution and can be accomplished quietly and in one’s own mind. Affirmations or affirming our wholeness creates positive energy gives us the ability to calm down and reduce stress. There is no clear thinking in stressful situations. We shut down or we react inappropriately. So what does an affirmation look like. It is an I message to oneself. I am lovable, I am good, I am Kind, I am courageous, I am brave, I am confident…so forth and so on until the stress is relieved.

It works by gosh…it works. Putting them up in your child’s room also helps so that they are saying them as they enter their rooms, get dressed, going to sleep.

The percentage of absences from bullying in schools today is 15%. That is just astounding. Yes, it is higher in middle and high schools. Or if 20 children are absent that day, 2 may be from bullying. And how many wanted to stay home and didn’t?

If you learn the truth, would you let your child stay home? Please comment and let me know what you would do.

Remember,” We Are The Voices We Hear!” Let’s hear and speak only good voices!

Can We Stop Bullying????

Bullying has been around for a very long time and is only getting worse with the added technology ways to bully someone.

It seems as though we can’t stop bullying no matter what is being tried in the schools. Reactionary programs are rarely successful. Say No To Drugs…..well we see where that has taken us. When I was working in a high school as a learning specialist for 9 years, this was our slogan. Drugs are more rampant and more available than ever. However, teenagers were never counseled or taught as what to say yes to.

It is the same with bullying. We have programs in every school now that address character development. This is suppose to reduce bullying. Well, that hasn’t happened. Character is developed with a strong emotional intelligence. It is the old story. What came first the chicken or the egg? In this case, studies are being done to show that the development of the seven attributes of emotional intelligence leads to children developing character or the ability to demonstrate kindness, consideration, empathy, helpfulness, tolerance of differences and a willingness to allow mistakes without retribution.